I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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