..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
