im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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