I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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