my phone needs a breathalizer
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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