I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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