There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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