I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
