we're chasing vodka with high fives
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i drank out of a bidet.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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