How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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