just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
