btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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