I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
