True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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