Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
