So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
