Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
