I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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