theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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