you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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