He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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