No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
where are my eyebrows?
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