I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize