If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She said her name was "party"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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