so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
