I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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