Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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