textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
