u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
