But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
