Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
