So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
