just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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