I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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