and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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