And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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