there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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