If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
