I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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