david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
sex in a hospital.. check
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
