Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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