It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
