Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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