Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
