I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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