i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
