The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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