Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
