Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
