the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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