Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
