hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
