im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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