Will you blow on my dice?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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