My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
