I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
