I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
