I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just had sex on a roof
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize