i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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