DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just google imaged poop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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