there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
