Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
