just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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